Want to win a copy of Josie Bloss’s amazing new book Albatross?
Just email us @ administrator@megcabot.com with your name and snail mail address (along with your screen name. Be sure to put “Albatross Contest” in the subject line), then post below about what kind of advice you’d give to your best friend if you noticed she, like Tess, the heroine of “Albatross”, was unhappy, and confided in you that it was because of her boyfriend. Best two advice givers win! They will be notified by email after this thread closes:
Even though he seems like a nice guy (gorgeous, smart, funny), your friend tells you that her boyfriend often gives her backhanded compliments, like telling her that she’s pretty enough to be a model (if she lost some weight), or is smart enough to be a doctor some day (if she’d stop reading such dumb books). He gets jealous when she hangs out with other people besides him, but he often doesn't return her calls, and sometimes she sees him with other girls (he says they're just friends).
She thinks a lot of the things he says about her are true and if she could just improve herself, he'd want to spend more time with her. She really cares about him because when they're alone together, he's so sweet, and treats her really well.
What do you say to her? Remember, you want to help her, and you can’t help her if you make her so mad she stops being friends with you.
Have you ever been in a similar situation with a friend? What did you do, and what happened?
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Win a Copy of Josie Bloss's "Albatross" Give us your best advice and win!
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#2
Posted 12 March 2010 - 05:41 PM
Hi! I'll be one of the first to reply to my own post!
So one of my best friends had a boyfriend JUST LIKE THIS! And I'd just like to add that he was really stupid. How stupid was he? He thought cold air came from trees. Because when you stand next to a tree in the summer time, it's cooler than in the sunshine, right? Because, he said, cold air comes from trees. Obviously.
My friend was so the opposite of this! She got all straight As in biology and chemistry! She was also super pretty and on her way to becoming an uber expert in her field. How could she like this guy? Plus, he was really smothering and would never let her go out with her friends! He always had to come along, every time we wanted to hang out with her. Looking back I realize this was how he controlled her, but at the time I just thought it was because he was a loser who had no friends.
I took my friend for coffee and said, "Look, I'm sure you see something in him none of the rest of us can see. But you're a beautiful smart girl. You will have lots of boyfriends. There's no reason for you to settle for this idiot. You need to dump him right now because he's STUPID."
This was the wrong thing to say. My friend started to cry and said that she knew he was stupid and clingy but that I didn't understand, he really loved her in a way no one else ever had (not true, lots of people loved her, including her parents, me, tons of friends, etc).
But anyway, I told her I was sure it was true (I was just going along with it). But, I said, other men will come along who will love you who will also know that cold air does not come from trees.
My friend said she had to go and she ran out crying and I NEVER SAW HER AGAIN.
I tried to call her but by then it was too late, she had moved in together with Cold Air Comes From Trees Man. Later on I heard they broke up because HE was cheating on HER. She never did become the uber genius in the field I thought she could, and I always felt it was because he broke her heart.
So, my advice is, do not do what I did, or the opposite of what you want will happen!
I hope some of you have better advice.
So one of my best friends had a boyfriend JUST LIKE THIS! And I'd just like to add that he was really stupid. How stupid was he? He thought cold air came from trees. Because when you stand next to a tree in the summer time, it's cooler than in the sunshine, right? Because, he said, cold air comes from trees. Obviously.
My friend was so the opposite of this! She got all straight As in biology and chemistry! She was also super pretty and on her way to becoming an uber expert in her field. How could she like this guy? Plus, he was really smothering and would never let her go out with her friends! He always had to come along, every time we wanted to hang out with her. Looking back I realize this was how he controlled her, but at the time I just thought it was because he was a loser who had no friends.
I took my friend for coffee and said, "Look, I'm sure you see something in him none of the rest of us can see. But you're a beautiful smart girl. You will have lots of boyfriends. There's no reason for you to settle for this idiot. You need to dump him right now because he's STUPID."
This was the wrong thing to say. My friend started to cry and said that she knew he was stupid and clingy but that I didn't understand, he really loved her in a way no one else ever had (not true, lots of people loved her, including her parents, me, tons of friends, etc).
But anyway, I told her I was sure it was true (I was just going along with it). But, I said, other men will come along who will love you who will also know that cold air does not come from trees.
My friend said she had to go and she ran out crying and I NEVER SAW HER AGAIN.
I tried to call her but by then it was too late, she had moved in together with Cold Air Comes From Trees Man. Later on I heard they broke up because HE was cheating on HER. She never did become the uber genius in the field I thought she could, and I always felt it was because he broke her heart.
So, my advice is, do not do what I did, or the opposite of what you want will happen!
I hope some of you have better advice.
#3
Posted 12 March 2010 - 06:31 PM
I have had friends in similar situations, and, because I am an unapologetic feminist with an awful temper, I yell at them to wake up and smell the poo they're in. I can't stand to see my friends being treated badly by guys, and I especially can't stand it when my friends make excuses for their boyfriends' terrible behavior. Sometimes they'll just ignore my advice, sometimes they'll get mad at me, and sometimes they'll actually take my advice and dump the guy. I've never lost a friend for giving her my honest advice, and it's always absolutely worth it when they get mad at me if they dump the guy and they're happy single.
#4
Posted 12 March 2010 - 06:54 PM
Unfortunately, I know a girl that is going through something similar. It does not matter what the guy says or does to her, she blames herself for not being "perfect." Considering that I want to help her and not make her hate me, I would say that, even though I don't think that guy is right for her, I support her decision. However, she should really analyze this guy's behavior and find out herself if he is good news or not. Just think of it this way: do you think the guy of your dreams thinks it makes you feel great when he criticizes you? how about when he treats you different in public? a guy that is constantly looking at your imperfections (and pointing them out) is just trying to make himself feel superior. Why waste your time with a guy like that when you can be looking for your prince?
It is really difficult to change someone's mind but if you can just point them in the right direction (and with a little bit of luck), maybe it will make a difference.
It is really difficult to change someone's mind but if you can just point them in the right direction (and with a little bit of luck), maybe it will make a difference.
#5
Posted 12 March 2010 - 07:36 PM
I've never exactly been in the same situation, but when I left my school, I kept in touch with my best frend from there. She told me that another frend had played a mean trick on her wid some other people, by making a guy tell her that he really liked her, and then say it was a joke. So I gave her advice to do something: Ignore the. Thye cant bother u if u cant be bothered!
Though, if I had a friend going through a situation like Tess', I'd tell her that guys who're gorgeus and funny, can have bad days, too. I'd tell her that even though he treats her nice, he doesnt make her feel good. Instead she feels like she should improve for him, which doesnt work.
The guy also hangs out with girls, and even if they are friends, a girlfriend shud be his center of attention. Backhanded compliments and allot of possesiveness are not good signs. Specially not for a guy, whos supposed to like you.
So, she should not return his calls when he doesnt return hers. Shud give him backhanded compliments if he says something. Should say that she has friends, too, like he does. He;s got to realize his errors.
Though, if I had a friend going through a situation like Tess', I'd tell her that guys who're gorgeus and funny, can have bad days, too. I'd tell her that even though he treats her nice, he doesnt make her feel good. Instead she feels like she should improve for him, which doesnt work.
The guy also hangs out with girls, and even if they are friends, a girlfriend shud be his center of attention. Backhanded compliments and allot of possesiveness are not good signs. Specially not for a guy, whos supposed to like you.
So, she should not return his calls when he doesnt return hers. Shud give him backhanded compliments if he says something. Should say that she has friends, too, like he does. He;s got to realize his errors.
#6
Posted 13 March 2010 - 11:47 PM
If I had a friend in this situation, I'd inquire if she were genuinely happy with a guy who only treats her really well when they're alone. If he truly loved and cared for her, I'd remind her that he'd do his best to treat her well at all times. He wouldn't feel the need to point out "imperfections" in her. No one is perfect, and for her boyfriend to do that shows he is insecure with himself and lacks respect for her feelings. I'd tell her that someone who loves her would want the best for her, and that wouldn't include being so possessive as to not want her to spend time with her friends (that's actually a major red flag in my book). He wouldn't be so disrespectful as to not return her calls or to brush off her questions about his relationships with other girls. As her friend, I'd tell her that I care so much about her that I didn't want her wasting one more single minute with a guy who doesn't treat her like a queen. It might hurt her feelings to hear all this, but I don't think I could stand by idly and not say something. Ultimately, I'd want her to know that I'm here for her, but that this guy isn't worthy of her attention based on his behavior.
#8
Posted 14 March 2010 - 11:07 PM
I would tell my friend that he's right, she is beautiful. But, she can also do better by dumping him! It's better to be without a special someone when that someone is emotional poison!
Something like this happened to a friend of mine recently. I listened. I supported her when she was indignant about his behavior and quiet about the good parts. I let her know that I knew that she was smart enough to handle her own dating relationships and knew the limits of her tolerance for bad relationship behavior. I told her I knew I wasn't around for the good parts, but I never saw those. I saw her upset about the bad parts. I saw her discontented with her relationship. I supported her and listened and when she wanted to work through all the reasons to break up and even come up with a script to do it, I was there. It took her several weeks, but eventually she did use the script. She's not with anyone right now and it might be awhile before she's ready to date again, but at least she's out of that relationship!
Something like this happened to a friend of mine recently. I listened. I supported her when she was indignant about his behavior and quiet about the good parts. I let her know that I knew that she was smart enough to handle her own dating relationships and knew the limits of her tolerance for bad relationship behavior. I told her I knew I wasn't around for the good parts, but I never saw those. I saw her upset about the bad parts. I saw her discontented with her relationship. I supported her and listened and when she wanted to work through all the reasons to break up and even come up with a script to do it, I was there. It took her several weeks, but eventually she did use the script. She's not with anyone right now and it might be awhile before she's ready to date again, but at least she's out of that relationship!
#9
Posted 15 March 2010 - 06:58 PM
This is a tough one. I try not to give advice, but my friend was recently in a similar relationship where the guy she was going out with treated her bad, and she asked for my opinion. I told her I had been there. When I was in the same situation, I told myself that no relationship is perfect, that it's better to be with the guy than to be alone, but that wasn't true. I knew it wasn't going to work out, and I stayed because I didn't want to be alone, but I just ended up wasting my time. From what she had told me she knew it wasn't going to work out for her. I reminded her she had already told me she knew the guy wasn't good for her. He wasn't going to change, and the more time spent with him was just time wasted where she wasn't free or open to find someone else. It's easy to think that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all, but I said if she was single she'd have more time to do stuff with me. I told her I would go out with her whenever she wanted, as long as he didn't come along. My friend didn't dump her guy right away, but maybe my repeating what she already knew and had already told me helped her believe the truth. They did break up in the end.
#10
Posted 16 March 2010 - 03:23 PM
MegCabot, on 12 March 2010 - 05:14 PM, said:
Want to win a copy of Josie Bloss’s amazing new book Albatross?
Just email us @ administrator@megcabot.com with your name and snail mail address (along with your screen name. Be sure to put “Albatross Contest” in the subject line), then post below about what kind of advice you’d give to your best friend if you noticed she, like Tess, the heroine of “Albatross”, was unhappy, and confided in you that it was because of her boyfriend. Best two advice givers win! They will be notified by email after this thread closes:
Even though he seems like a nice guy (gorgeous, smart, funny), your friend tells you that her boyfriend often gives her backhanded compliments, like telling her that she’s pretty enough to be a model (if she lost some weight), or is smart enough to be a doctor some day (if she’d stop reading such dumb books). He gets jealous when she hangs out with other people besides him, but he often doesn't return her calls, and sometimes she sees him with other girls (he says they're just friends).
She thinks a lot of the things he says about her are true and if she could just improve herself, he'd want to spend more time with her. She really cares about him because when they're alone together, he's so sweet, and treats her really well.
What do you say to her? Remember, you want to help her, and you can’t help her if you make her so mad she stops being friends with you.
Have you ever been in a similar situation with a friend? What did you do, and what happened?
Just email us @ administrator@megcabot.com with your name and snail mail address (along with your screen name. Be sure to put “Albatross Contest” in the subject line), then post below about what kind of advice you’d give to your best friend if you noticed she, like Tess, the heroine of “Albatross”, was unhappy, and confided in you that it was because of her boyfriend. Best two advice givers win! They will be notified by email after this thread closes:
Even though he seems like a nice guy (gorgeous, smart, funny), your friend tells you that her boyfriend often gives her backhanded compliments, like telling her that she’s pretty enough to be a model (if she lost some weight), or is smart enough to be a doctor some day (if she’d stop reading such dumb books). He gets jealous when she hangs out with other people besides him, but he often doesn't return her calls, and sometimes she sees him with other girls (he says they're just friends).
She thinks a lot of the things he says about her are true and if she could just improve herself, he'd want to spend more time with her. She really cares about him because when they're alone together, he's so sweet, and treats her really well.
What do you say to her? Remember, you want to help her, and you can’t help her if you make her so mad she stops being friends with you.
Have you ever been in a similar situation with a friend? What did you do, and what happened?
I have never had a freind or me stuck in a situation like that, what advice I would give Tess is that if her boyfriend says that one more time, just ignore it..just be yourself completely...your boyfriend just wants you to be like other girls..but, what really matters if thats true...if you really think hes telling the truth..change yourself..but if you really completely know yourself and won't change yourself because one guy said negatives/ things you should change aobut you...then stand up for yourself! he's not your boss, your just being you which matters the most to people, if your boyfriend wants you to be like other girls then just break up with him or tlak to him about this..lecture him..sorta..but dont be mean!@
#11
Posted 21 March 2010 - 01:55 AM
First off, the guy seems like a nice guy. I mean, he IS gorgeous, smart and funny, but I mean, he's giving her backhanded "compliments"! I would say maybe he's doing this because he's OBLIVIOUS to his actions, but that'd be just making up an excuse. Because I know for a fact when I'm angry at my sister, I'll give her those "compliments" (which I know is wrong, but I AM angry). So it's a conscious thing. And not only that, he's not even BEING the nice guy that everyone thinks he is. Being jealous, not returning calls and hanging out with girls... Well, I don't know if the hanging out thing is wrong, but with a combination of the other two, it doesn't look that great.
Plus the backhanded compliments? They're happening in private. When supposedly he's "so sweet" and "treats her really well". Yeah... Well, first off I'd get the facts straight with my friend. I'd ask her what exactly he says, and where they were when they said it. Because I mean, I'm just ASSUMING they're happening in private right now. Because honestly, if he was giving her these compliments in public, I'd just get angry in general. Not at her, but at HIM. (More so already.) After that, I'd ask her HOW OFTEN these comments are being made. And then I'd just try and explain that they're not actually compliments, but digs at her. And I'd say that she's SERIOUSLY PERFECT the way she is, and there shouldn't a need for them! A guy should NOT be affecting her that much in a bad way. Because once you kind of put the whole thing in perspective (why they're happening, how frequently) it's kind of hard to deny THE FACTS. Plus I'd bring up gently the fact that he is jealous (not a good sign) and ditching her via phone calls.
"Maybe you should let go? Because friend, even though he is sweet SOMETIMES, that isn't right. A guy should NOT be like that. And honestly, someone like you? A guy probably is already waiting for you! Who ISN'T going to tell you to lose weight to look like a model! Which by the way, you do already!"
And if that doesn't take it, I'd tell her (lightly) that he's just kind of being emotionally abusive. And that SERIOUSLY isn't right.
Hopefully she would see this.
Which let's face it, she won't.
Which I guess goes into my FRIENDS situation. She was stupid (sorry to admit): She went out with a married guy who had kids! And when she told me, I couldn't be happy for her. So when I GENTLY told her this, she told that she "didn't expect this from me" and thought "I'd be happy for her". We actually stopped talking for a few weeks when she was dating him. Because she refused to talk to me when I was being "ridiculous". Later it was found out he tried to have sex with her sister, and she saw the truth. But she's still kind of like "oh Derek" and I'm like "c'mon, woman! LEAVE IT!"
(Her mom didn't even see a problem with it!)
So that's a bit stupid. Sorry for writing so much. It just takes a bit to tell a friend that the situation isn't right.
Plus the backhanded compliments? They're happening in private. When supposedly he's "so sweet" and "treats her really well". Yeah... Well, first off I'd get the facts straight with my friend. I'd ask her what exactly he says, and where they were when they said it. Because I mean, I'm just ASSUMING they're happening in private right now. Because honestly, if he was giving her these compliments in public, I'd just get angry in general. Not at her, but at HIM. (More so already.) After that, I'd ask her HOW OFTEN these comments are being made. And then I'd just try and explain that they're not actually compliments, but digs at her. And I'd say that she's SERIOUSLY PERFECT the way she is, and there shouldn't a need for them! A guy should NOT be affecting her that much in a bad way. Because once you kind of put the whole thing in perspective (why they're happening, how frequently) it's kind of hard to deny THE FACTS. Plus I'd bring up gently the fact that he is jealous (not a good sign) and ditching her via phone calls.
"Maybe you should let go? Because friend, even though he is sweet SOMETIMES, that isn't right. A guy should NOT be like that. And honestly, someone like you? A guy probably is already waiting for you! Who ISN'T going to tell you to lose weight to look like a model! Which by the way, you do already!"
And if that doesn't take it, I'd tell her (lightly) that he's just kind of being emotionally abusive. And that SERIOUSLY isn't right.
Hopefully she would see this.
Which let's face it, she won't.
Which I guess goes into my FRIENDS situation. She was stupid (sorry to admit): She went out with a married guy who had kids! And when she told me, I couldn't be happy for her. So when I GENTLY told her this, she told that she "didn't expect this from me" and thought "I'd be happy for her". We actually stopped talking for a few weeks when she was dating him. Because she refused to talk to me when I was being "ridiculous". Later it was found out he tried to have sex with her sister, and she saw the truth. But she's still kind of like "oh Derek" and I'm like "c'mon, woman! LEAVE IT!"
(Her mom didn't even see a problem with it!)
So that's a bit stupid. Sorry for writing so much. It just takes a bit to tell a friend that the situation isn't right.
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