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#46 24moon100

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Posted 29 December 2014 - 03:13 AM

2:5

 

First of all—the dialogue. It's always impressive but I'll just make it formal here. Your dialogue between all the characters is  golden. It's so freaking entertaining and on point and I just want to write like that dammit. I want to quote it all. 

 

Michael folded his hands and leaned forward. “Let’s call him Art,” he said. Marcus let out a “hell yeah” and high-fived him from across the table. The more Marcus spoke, the less of a grip I had on my quickly fading Zen.—I visualized this so well it kind of scares me. 

 

Your introduction of the new client/mark/situation was well paced and seemed equally as thought out. You gave just enough detail for me to get a clear picture but not too much that I'm bored. BRILLIANT, I say. Brilliant. :) Am I being annoying yet? 

 

Hush money, dumbass” Marcus replied, shaking his head. “You don’t ‘accidentally’ let out a huge secret and then let someone stew with the info. You pay ‘em to keep their fu/cking mouth shut.”—beautifully put, Marcus. I love you..

 

She exhaled in unintentional mimicry of Ellis, who habitually did the same each time Marcus spoke.—It's weird how she's mimicking Ellis now. What's next? Excessive public displays of affection? Gross. Funny. I actually pointed this out  because I thought it was nicely worded. Sorry for the other comment. Hah. 

 

He winked. “I got you.”—I will say this again. It's scare how well I visualized this. Killed me. Marcus is bae. 

 

Okay. Back to business. As far as backstory stuff goes, it didn't bother me in the slightest. Could be the hour at which I'm reading for just that you're an awesome writer. Probably wasn't fun to write but I enjoyed reading it. I did. Honestly. I'm not over exaggerating. :)

 

Anyway, I'm sure there is plenty of other stuff I could say but I can't seem to make up my mind on what to say and what to leave out so I'm sorry but I'll just have to leave you hanging this time. Just know that me not being able to say anything else is actually a compliment in disguise. I promise. ;)

 

Keep it coming!

 

Side note: remind me please who Adrian is? It's been a while, sorry...

 

—MEG


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#47 24moon100

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Posted 29 December 2014 - 03:14 AM

HAPPY PAGE TWO LOSER! HELLS YEAH!


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#48 Pretty.Odd.

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Posted 29 December 2014 - 04:17 AM

Meg: Ahhhhh once again THANK YOU. Your feedback is so great. Helps motivate me and see what's working. Clearly the last part didn't suck as much as I thought. :P Also, Adrian is the guy who manages the not-so illegal part of Heldstrom. The catering part. But he's still in charge, so to speak, so it would make sense that he was there for the meeting. He's more behind-the-scenes than Ellis from Holly's perspective. HERE'S THE NEXT PART. It's hella short but I need it to keep things moving.

 

Chapter 2: 6

 

Later in the day, less distracted by the havoc of the morning meeting, Cole became everything. No matter where I attempted to steer my thoughts, he was there waiting for me. I remembered the news each time I glanced at my phone or felt the pounding headache from the hangover I’d tried so hard to ignore. His soon-to-be-wife found an even more prevalent place in my mind—Doctor Mary Collins, Fiancé. I imagined arriving home to see a wedding invitation appearing in the mail in the coming months. Mr. Cole Robert Harris and Mary Grace Collins request the honor of your presence at their marriage. My stomach lurched. In our four years of friendship, I’d never thought he’d go through with the proposal. He didn’t have it in him.

 

But he’d proved me wrong—he did have the guts, and there was nothing I could do about it. Between the helplessness of the situation and my regret over failing to express how I felt in all the years we’d spent together, my day became less about $500K and more about not breaking down into tears in front of my coworkers.

 

Michael knew right away. “You’re not going to go throw up in the bathroom for the rest of the day, are you?” he asked, inserting three quarters into the vending machine inside the break room. “You look like you’re about to lose it.”

 

I shook my head and propped myself up against the wall next to him. “Just going through some personal sh/it right now.”

 

That wasn’t good enough for him. “Personal as in work-related personal or—?”

 

“It’s got nothing to do with work.” You didn’t do anything, I wanted to tell him. “Boy problems.”

 

He snatched up his diet Coke and smiled at me. “Here’s my advice, Holly: He just wants sex. Chicks before dicks.” I glared at him. “I’m sorry. I’m trying. You want to talk about it?”

 

“I don’t know,” I replied, frowning. He offered me the diet Coke and I declined with shrug. I missed last night’s bottle of wine. “There’s just a lot happening—boy problems, work stuff. It just feels like a lot.”

 

He nodded. “I get it. You want to do something fun tonight?”

 

Fun, of course, meant something very different to Michael than it did to me. “Depends,” I said, visibly reluctant. The one thing I felt like doing had nothing to do with Michael. “What do you have in mind?”

 

He just grinned.


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#49 24moon100

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Posted 29 December 2014 - 04:48 AM

Yessss. Awesome. I'm totally going to read this in a second. Trying to focus on finishing the chapter I'm on. Can't disturb my creative juices. :)


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#50 24moon100

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Posted 29 December 2014 - 03:20 PM

2:6

 

Despite it's shortness, this was a lovely part :) Holly is of course miserable as usual. Michael tries to cheer Holly up like an awesome friend. There is mention of a hangover. Classic Infamy right there. ;)

 

Favorite line: 

 

He snatched up his diet Coke and smiled at me. “Here’s my advice, Holly: He just wants sex. Chicks before dicks.” I glared at him. “I’m sorry. I’m trying. You want to talk about it?”—Haha. Way to go Michael. Nice try. Not exactly the thing a girl wants to hear... 

 

Man. That's rough what Holly's dealing with. But she shouldn't let it beat her up so much. She doesn't realize how good she has it. I mean $500K what's to complain about that? Cole isn't worth the worry. She could've acted on her feelings sooner, sure, but where the hell would that relationship have gone anyway? He's a cop

 

Just putting in my two cents. 

 

More please. Update time!

 

—MEG


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#51 Pretty.Odd.

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Posted 31 January 2015 - 08:46 PM

SOON: infamynovel.tumblr.com

  • rad as hell layout; easy to navigate & pretty to look at (i only edited the code to fit my purposes; credit is on site)
  • LOTS OF GRAPHICS
  • character descriptions
  • read on site OR link to wattpad (an updated version of what's on here)
  • individual character pages w/ origin/relationships/etc.
  • link to individual MBTI types
  • link to character playlists
  • link to personal blog+wattpad+pinterest

 

ec44a863cdb1e356472b7fc9b774b270.jpg

 

502863bed2a1e9d8b5b33ffa14a6c906.jpg

 

caa56cc195b4a420d61f3b212ceb4fb0.jpg

 

659c80de6672e2632f2ed0679c87394f.jpg


Edited by Pretty.Odd., 31 January 2015 - 08:48 PM.

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#52 24moon100

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Posted 01 February 2015 - 05:35 PM

Hells yeah! THAT LOOKS SICK. In the good way :) I'm very impressed to see you taking Infamy to whole new dimensions! Can't wait to see the finished product! Hopefully you'll still be posting to here though? I like to read here so I can comment anyway. But I think this is going to be great too. I guess you have to give out a password? Well, either way, keep me informed!


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#53 Pretty.Odd.

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Posted 01 February 2015 - 06:13 PM

Hells yeah! THAT LOOKS SICK. In the good way :) I'm very impressed to see you taking Infamy to whole new dimensions! Can't wait to see the finished product! Hopefully you'll still be posting to here though? I like to read here so I can comment anyway. But I think this is going to be great too. I guess you have to give out a password? Well, either way, keep me informed!

 

I'M GLAD YOU'RE EXCITED. I've been working hard on it. I'm beginning to understand HTML :o

 

Yes yes yes I will still post on here. This is like my home as far as writing goes lmao. You guys are my #1.

 

It's just got a password on it now (not hard to guess, though) so I can edit without it being public for everyone while it's still "in the works." In the next couple days, I should have the bios done, and then it will be public. :)


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#54 24moon100

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Posted 01 February 2015 - 10:27 PM

I'M GLAD YOU'RE EXCITED. I've been working hard on it. I'm beginning to understand HTML :o

 

Yes yes yes I will still post on here. This is like my home as far as writing goes lmao. You guys are my #1.

 

It's just got a password on it now (not hard to guess, though) so I can edit without it being public for everyone while it's still "in the works." In the next couple days, I should have the bios done, and then it will be public. :)

 

Haha. You've got me beat as far as understanding HTML. I have absolutely zero knowledge reserved in that area. 

 

Good luck with all your work! I'll be staying tuned. :)


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#55 Jcrazy

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Posted 17 February 2015 - 12:38 AM

1:1

 

I really liked how you started this off. Having the group of main characters sitting around, reading a news article and mocking it was pure genius. I could picture it ridiculously well, despite you not giving much physical description of the people or place. 

 

The dialogue interrupting the explanation of the murder and the descriptions of who the characters are was refreshing and was helpful in keeping my attention. 

 

Amazing job on making a somewhat complicated storyline uncomplicated sounding.

 

1:2

 

I’ve never seen a story told in chapters like this and while it’s not my favorite way to read a story on the Internet, I think I would really like it if I was holding a copy of it all together as a book, which is what really counts. 

 

1:3

 

You did a great job of that “showing not telling” thing people are always saying writers do in this chapter. Without Holly having to say it, the reader gets the sense that Cole is someone important to her. You also get a good sense of who Holly is as a person—sarcastic, cynical, blunt, kind of a big fat liar. haha. 

 

1:4

 

WHAT IF Heldstrom was hired to kill COLE? Or MARY? That was my thought process through the whole chapter. Also, Cole, what are you doing out drunk with a woman if you’ve got one you’re going to propose to? Hhmph.

 

1:5

 

BIG moment in a very short chapter thingy. Clearly into Cole. Clearly knows she can no longer be if he’s marrying Mary.

 

1:6

 

I think this chapter shows that Holly really doesn’t like people haha. Doesn’t want to be friends with Michelle, doesn’t seem to be able to do more than tolerate anyone at work. I feel you, girl.

 

I actually find Marcus wildly entertaining.

 

1:7

 

Hangovers are some BS. Oh and another person Holly doesn’t like! Sophia! Welcome to the group. 

 

1:8

 

I suspected a chapter devoted to Marcus to be entertaining and you delivered haha. Kind of sad to know he doesn’t have any family ties, not even gang ties anymore lol, and that the only person he could think to call was the girl he worked with performing organized crime. But, hey, at least that’s somebody :P

 

Last line slayyyyed.

 

1:9/1:10

 

Michael is adorable and pretty self-absorbed, but you can see he cares for Holly, and I like him for that and the humor.

 

1:11

 

Quite the intriguing ending to this chapter! Has me excited. Plus, again, I like Michael. And if Sophia felt sorry for her then I sort of like her too, expect maybe she shouldn’t have blabbed about the bathroom, so maybe I don’t, OR, i think I haven’t decided.

 

2:1

 

Cole, look at you being confusing as hell. Saying you’re getting married, saying you “get it”—what exactly does he GET?—, acting all casual about going out again when you darn well know Holly cannot be going out and getting drunk with you and liking you. dummy.

 

2:2

 

This chapter makes me sad because I know how things have ended up in the future ugh. Boys suck, I stand by this statement. But really, what a satisfying flashback of Cole and Holly’s meeting. It was fun to read.

 

2:3

 

Ugh this breaks my heart.

 

2:4

 

Have I ever mentioned I love the word mantra? *keeps reading*

 

2:5

 

OOH a new crime. Exciting. Like seriously, the casual nature that you’ve decided to tell this story in is wonderful. Because who knows what people who commit organized murders as their job actually are like—maybe they have lovely senses of humor. 

 

by the way, I’m obsessed with every name you’ve got in this story. Claude Benedict. So perfect sounding.

 

2:6

 

“Cole became everything.” Ugh. That is wonderful and sad line that I’m jealous of. 

 

This chapter fills me with sad because, well, Holly is sad. But I also love every word Michael said and am thrilled with the prospect of reading what they might do after work.

 

***

 

This may feel random, but I’ve been intending to read and comment for ages and it’s snowing so now is the time. Sorry I didn’t go into much detail with any of my mini comments. I just wanted to keep reading and for you to know that, yes, I have read it. :)

 

Just want to make sure you know that this is a great, original, well-thought-out idea. And you should be aware that I always have and continue to admire and be impressed by your writing. You’ve got a serious gift, so like they say, keep on unwrapping it. 

 

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#56 Pretty.Odd.

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Posted 17 February 2015 - 08:13 PM

Chapter 2: 7

 

By any moral person’s judgment, Michael didn’t exactly measure up to expected standards. Ask him, and he wouldn’t deny it—the conservative American ideals of morality were far from desirable, given his dedication to fulfilling each and every one of the desires his money allowed him to act on. Michael liked late nights and hard liquor and girls who looked like they came straight out of porn films that he could take home and fu/ck without a second thought. “It’s in my nature,” he would tell us. “I like girls, I like boys—I’m just here to have a good time.”

 

Growing up in Las Vegas, Michael was brought up on the money, sex, and drugs notorious of the area. His poor family survived primarily on income generated from Sophia’s short-lived career as a call girl and from his work as an aspiring conman, staging small-scale operations and reeling in money from tourists too drunk to realize what they were getting themselves into. Even after moving to Chicago to help Sophia pursue a safer and cleaner lifestyle, he found it impossible to leave the culture of his hometown behind. People like Cole may have deemed his actions immoral, Michael had never been anything but kind to me. He was a good person—not like Cole, but good all the same.

 

We didn’t have all that much in common outside of a similar sense of humor and our worship of the almighty dollar, but it was enough for me to stop myself from rejecting his proposal. We were going to brave the unknown and get together outside of work, which was more than I’d done with any of my other coworkers. The premise, naturally, was far from intimate: movies, Chinese takeout, and an inevitable airing of grievances. I even cleaned my apartment.


Edited by Pretty.Odd., 17 February 2015 - 08:14 PM.

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#57 Pretty.Odd.

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Posted 17 February 2015 - 08:15 PM

Chapter 2: 8

 

“Is that Febreze I smell?” Michael stepped into the apartment, glanced around the recently tidied space, and sniffed the air. “Did you clean for me?”

 

I didn’t want to admit it. I was not the clean type—never had been. I blamed my mother. I spent my childhood moving from apartment to apartment, living out of half-empty suitcases and eating TV dinners. Cleanliness had never been a priority to my mother, who was more concerned with money for alcohol and cigarettes than making sure the dishes were clean and the beds were made. Michael knew that, and he didn’t care if my apartment was messy or clean. But I cared what he thought.

 

“Yes,” I confessed. “I cleaned.”

 

“Febreze?” he asked again, pleased with himself.

 

I sighed. “Yes. Febreze.” He walked toward the kitchen and I shut the door behind him. “I could be hiding a dead body in here and you’d never know because all you can smell is fu/cking moonlit lavender.”

 

“Nice,” he commented, nodding. “Huge turn on.”

 

I knew it was a joke, but acknowledging Michael’s strange and extensive sexual history, I almost mistook the remark as sincere. Part of me wouldn’t have been surprised; Sophia left her promiscuity back in Vegas after joining Heldstrom in Chicago—Michael, on the other hand, finally began to embrace his sexuality for all it was worth.

 

“Don’t look too hard,” I advised as he opened up the fridge, not used to seeing anyone but myself occupy the space. “That’s where I keep the dismembered organs of my victims.”

 

“Okay, Dahmer,” he replied, laughing. For a moment I almost forgot we ourselves were killers.


Edited by Pretty.Odd., 17 February 2015 - 08:16 PM.

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#58 Pretty.Odd.

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Posted 17 February 2015 - 08:35 PM

Normally I like to post and then not say anything but I feel like I have things to say, so I'm going to write a little bit about this.

 

1) I have basically had all of this written for over a month. I just haven't actually edited it together to make any sense. It was a painful process, because I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn't get it to work. This is as good as it's getting for now.

 

2) MORE BACKSTORY. Holly backstory, Michael backstory, Sophia backstory. I know I bit/ch about it, but sometimes I really enjoy writing it. It's like my readers finally know the things I know about my characters. Like a weight lifted off me. Plus adding dimension is always helpful. Helps the reader understand the character better.

 

3) The original 2:8 was WAY LONGER but I thought I could safely cut it off here. I'd ideally have a "wrap up" kind of part to post next, but I don't have any of that written, so...

 

4) Not written by me if there's not a serial killer joke here and there. You should not be surprised.

 

5) Slightly addressed: Michael's bisexuality! Finally. This has been something that has always been part of Michael's character that I never got around to explicitly stating. I know it looks like the "token queer character," but it's not I PROMISE I'M NOT THAT SHITTY OF A WRITER. (Mordechai is hella gay but we haven't gotten there yet so shhh.)

 

6) Holly might be a little less mopey in the next couple chapters parts (!!!), so you can look forward to a little change of pace. I'm really freaking sick of "sad Holly."

 

JAMIE:

 

Daaaang, son. Thank you! I saw your comment and I pretty much screamed in class (no was not on my phone in class of course not). I really liked the format you commented in, so feel free to procrastinate more so you can use the same form lmao. :P Like I said, super appreciated feedback. I need your Jamie wisdom as often as possible.


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#59 24moon100

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Posted 17 February 2015 - 10:34 PM

2:7

 

YES. Geez Artemis. I've been seriously wanting some action from this story lately. I was about to give you a nudge like I did to Jamie the other day, in fact, but found an update so now I don't have to pester you to post. Fantastic day for me. You've read my mind. :)

 

Firstly, I am so glad you brought up the subject of morality. This has been something so relevant to my life currently, something you could say I've been contemplating more than maybe the average eighteen-year-old. Also, coincidentally, a topic we are studying in Psychology (by the way best class ever).

 

You make a very solid point with Michael here, and I really admire the subtle message underlying his backstory. I hope I'm not reading too much into things, but I guess I just have to go there because it's not a "me" comment unless I make some lame deep insight. Haha. 

 

This is an opinion of mine, but I feel like all of those things you mentioned—sex, alcohol, drugs, money—truly are corrosive to society. At least in the way you described. In moderation, all of that isn't bad (well, besides drugs). My own moral standards tell me that, and I don't think that will change. But I also feel like people shouldn't be written off as bad just because they are morally flawed. We all have our poison. All of us. I know what mine is. It doesn't make us bad people. There are so many other things that factor into our goodness level. I think that's what you are trying to say with Michael. His morals are screwed to hell, yeah. I mean he kills for a living—a serious no no, for sure—but he's still got goodness in him. Really, he just wants to get something pleasurable out of life in the only place he really knows where to find it, because life didn't teach him different. There's a reason he's the way he is. He was surrounded by an environment in which sex, substance abuse, money, and deception was the norm. Freaking Vegas will probably do that to you. Lol. 

 

Damn now I really want to go to Vegas. Gotta wait until I'm 21 though, or it won't be as fun. ;)

 

Ps. Sorry for psychoanalyzing Michael...

 

2:8

 

Oh, God. I'm dying. I love the Febreeze bit. This reminds me so much of myself, actually. I'm such a neat freak that whenever I have friends come over I literally vacuum and dust and make my bed and everything. Then I dose my room with the linen Febreeze stuff to make it smell like it just came out of the washer. Not even joking... 

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I remember you mentioning Febreeze during out most recent Stay Up All Night chat session. 

 

“I could be hiding a dead body in here and you’d never know because all you can smell is fu/cking moonlit lavender.” 

 

THIS IS PERHAPS MY FAVORITE QUOTE SO FAR. Hence the all caps. :D

 

Hmm. Who knew it would come from Holly of all people? Usually I'm quoting Marcus. Lol. 

 

So Michael is bisexual, I see. That's totally cool with me. I always like when writers mix up the sexual orientations. Too many straight people get boring after a while. It's nice to see other colors of the rainbow...

 

Ugh. I sound awful. Hopefully you get what I'm saying.

 

All right! Well that's all I've got for you. So happy you decided to push through the pain of editing and update. :)

 

—MEG

 

 

 


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#60 Jcrazy

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Posted 17 February 2015 - 10:42 PM

HAH, you can be sure that I'll procrastinate again in the future, but as of now I'll go ahead and say I loved the last two bits!

 

Michaels bisexual?! What the hell, that's great! haha. Totally surprising. Then again... these are characters who extensively plot and carryout murders, so their sexuality should hardly be the most interesting thing about them... and yet, I still find it really interesting :P 

 

The febreeze and Dahmer comments killed me. I love your humor in stories.

 

Hope to see more soon :)


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