I've only really read Airhead - all three books I mean - about twice because I can never seem to lay my hands on them at any given time that I'm in a Library or a bookshop, which is depressing because I want to read them again and owning them would be an added bonus. The Meg Cabot section of my bookshelf is fairly impressive but its still missing quite a few of her series, Airhead being one of them - also wouldn't mind getting my little hands on Randsom My Heart. I'm rereading Book 10 of PD for like the hundredth time and I really, really want to read Mia's book! I'm also desperate to write the damn thing from Mike's POV! Also those who are still actually interest in my Mike series, I am starting to work my head around how I'm going to write book six, so yay... still might be awhile before it's actually up and posted.
Anyway, I got the idea for this fanfic from wondering how Em would feel about becoming pregnant in Nikki's body and this is my exploration of how she might possible feel.
None of Me, All of Her
I should be happy about this. Over the moon in fact. But… I’m not.
How can I possibly be happy about this when all I seem to think about is the fact that it won’t even look like me?
Not even one little bit. It will be made up of Christopher and her, nothing of me will go into this creation, nothing.
And that is why I’m sitting in my bathroom in my loft, hugging poor Cosy to my chest while I bawled my eyes out.
And do you know what’s worst, I just caught a look of myself in the floor length mirror in here and found that I still look drop-dead gorgeous. Even crying hysterically doesn’t stop me from looking good and god, I hated it!
I want to look bad for once. I want to look not absolutely perfect all the bloody time. I want- I want – I want to look like me again!
I want to be me again!
Not Em Watts’s brain in Nikki Howard’s body! No, I wanted to be Em Watts’s brain in Em Watts’s body!
It’s not going to look like me.
“Em? Em? Hello, where are you?” Oh no, Lulu.
“Em you are so completely late for your photo schedule with Vogue!” And even worse, the real Nikki Howard is with her.
I try vainly to wipe my tears from my face, in doing so, releasing my death-grip on Cosy who gave this sort of wheezy little bark at finally being released and being able to breathe normally again.
“She’s here, that was Cosy’s bark.” And it just keeps getting better! Steven is here too!
“Em?” Lulu’s head was now sticking itself around my bathroom door, her mouth obviously open to say more but she seems to have become speechless (a first for her) when she saw my face, even cleaned of tears, but still showing the obvious signs that I had been crying.
“Em, what’s wrong?” she asks all shrill like, moving so fast to my side that she scared Cosy out of the bathroom.
“Nothing.” I grumbled, rising to my feet and splashing my face in the sink before drying it on a towel.
I looked almost normal again, well as normal as Nikki Howard face can look being all-ultra glam and everything all the time.
I felt my foul mood only grow worse at the thought.
Why can’t I ever just have a bad day? A bad hair day maybe? Or just a day where my flawless skin just isn’t so flawless and make-up can do nothing about it?
Why can’t I have just one of those days? Then I might just feel like me again.
I could feel Lulu’s sceptical eyes on me but I ignored her and stalked out of my bathroom and bedroom and into the kitchen where everyone, except for the one person I really, really wanted to talk to, was sitting around kitchen bench talking to each other and getting themselves drinks from my fridge or making themselves coffees.
I was just starting to feel nauseous from the smell of the coffee when Nikki noticed me standing there and exploded.
“WHERE WERE YOU?” she shrieked, like missing a shoot was a normal thing for me to do. I can count on one hand how many shoots I’ve missed and funnily enough, they’ve been all her fault because she’s accidently given me the wrong dates and times.
“Sick, leave me alone.” I snapped at her, rather bluntly causing her to blink at me in a sort of confused way. Steven and Gabriel (yeah, he was here too. Yeah, let’s just all invade Em’s loft, shall we) both looked at me weirdly. It usually their girls’ who are short and blunt not me. Well less short more blunt in Lulu’s case but still.
“You feeling ok?” Steven asked. His blue eyes were roving over my face and body, taking in all details.
If anyone else was doing this I would feel weird, but since it’s him and we’ve more or less adopted each other as siblings, I sort of just let him without biting his head off too much.
“I feel sick, leave me alone.” I said again.
“Do you want a cup of…” Lulu started holding out a cup of brown gunk. I swear that’s what it looked like to me just then.
I clapped a hand over my mouth and bolted for the bathroom, praying that I’d make the toilet before I threw up everywhere.
From where I had just left I could hear Lulu’s panic voice demanding “What did I do? What? She doesn’t like coffee anymore? Since when?”
Since a couple of days ago, I thought dully as I leant my head against the toilet seat, gasping for air, trying to ignore the burning sensation in my throat.
“Go away.” I groaned, but of course he wouldn’t.
Steven just came right on in into my bathroom, not seeming to be overly bothered by seeing me slumped against the toilet or that I had obliviously just thrown up my lunch.
“You ok?” I give him an evil look as he comes to crouch by me. But when he still didn’t leave me to my misery, even with all the evil I was putting into my glare, I sigh and shake my head and softly whisper no.
“Why? What’s up?” I looked up into his concern blue eyes, so like mine that they almost make me feel like I’m going to be sick again.
I fought the feeling down and whispered the words that had been plaguing me all week.
“I’m pregnant.” I watched his blue eyes grow wide, but to my annoyance he didn’t look mad or anything. He instead looked happy, like really, really happy.
“Really? You’re pregnant?” He laughed, “So you’re going to have a baby. Wow.” He whistled and I looked away from him in disgust.
“It won’t be mine.” I hissed angrily.
He looked back at me confused.
“What? What do you mean?”
“It won’t be mine. It won’t be a part of me or rather I won’t be a part of it!”
“It’ll be all made up of Christopher and Nikki! There won’t be any of me in it!” I was close to yelling now, and tears were once more flowing down my cheeks.
“Em.” He placed a soothing hand on my shoulder, “its ok.”
“No, it’s not. It’s really not! This isn’t my child! I’m just carrying it. It’s not mine!” more tears came falling, making it even harder for me to speak.
“Have you told Christopher yet?” I shook my head more or less beyond the capacity of speech now.
“You should tell him and tell him all that you’ve told me.”
“I can’t.” My voice came out sort of croaky from all my crying.
“Because he won’t understand. No one can understand… this” I waved my hands at my body that wasn’t really my body; well it wasn’t, this wasn’t the body I was born into.
No, it was the body that my brain had been placed into because my own body was crushed by the evil Spark Corporation. Or rather the once evil Spark Corporation.
“You still need to tell him. He has a right to know, Em. And you can’t do this on your own.” I nodded my head sullenly.
“Don’t tell the others, please. Just say I have a really bad stomach bug or something.” I begged him softly.
He nodded his head in understanding, though annoyingly he was still smiling.
“Not my big news to share.” He said and I scowled at him. “Seriously, Em this is big news. Good big news. Happy news…”
“Lulu’s got to you.” I observed. Well, after dating each other for five years you’d think as much. He went a little red around the ears before ruffling my hair affectionately.
“I’ll go tell everyone to scram while you go call Christopher,” I started pulling a face but he held out a hand to stop me. “You’re calling him or I’m calling him, take your pick.”
I chose me, the lesser of two great evils I suppose.
Sullenly still, I let Steven help me up off the floor by the toilet, which he had so sweetly and discreetly flushed for me just after he had arrived.
He gave me this big brotherly hug before we left the bathroom.
“Congrats. I know you don’t feel excited or happy yet about this, but you will ok.” He held me at arms length looking down into my face seriously, “this is your baby, Em. Not anyone else; not Nikki’s not anybody’s. It’s yours and Christopher’s. Ok?”
I forced myself to nod.
Half of me did believe what he was saying but the rest of me just wanted to scream at him that he was wrong and that he had no idea what he was talking about.
“Give him a call while I get everyone to leave, ok.” He gave my forehead a quick kiss before leaving me sitting on my bed while he rounded everyone up, saying that I had a bad case of the flu that causes stomach bugs and I wanted to be left alone til I threw it off. Which sounded reasonable except that this wasn’t something that I could simply throw off.
He stuck his head back into my room just before they all left to tell me that if he (Christopher) took the news badly, he’d happily put him in a chokehold for me.
That actually made me smile, which I think he was aiming for, before telling him it was fine and that I’d let him know tomorrow how it went.
He gave me an affectionate, brotherly smile before he too departed my loft, leaving me all alone with my thoughts.
I placed my hand upon my still super flat stomach while my other hand fished for my phone. I didn’t want to call him, I just knew I would break down if I heard his voice so I simply texted him, asking him to come over whenever he could… and to bring Chinese with him. And lots of it.
He came over surprisingly fast after I sent the text. Trust me, I was watching the clock, I know right down to the second how fast he was to get to my loft.
“Hey.” He greeted me easily as he came through my front door, carrying to divine smelling bags of food.
“Hi.” I had momentarily forgotten why I was so upset, why I was hating the world and more importantly myself or rather the body I was in, all that mattered at that moment was the fact that there was divine smelling food in my loft and I wanted to eat it.
And the food was divine for the first couple of mouthfuls til my stomach revolted against it, leaving me bolting for my bathroom, with Christopher hot on my heels.
He held back my hair as I was sick in the toilet, rubbing a soothing hand against my lower back as he did so.
“You ok?” he asked me with obvious concern written over his face.
I tried to smile at him and of course completely failed.
“Not really.” And I wasn’t. I was feeling terrible; the nausea in my stomach was bad, my throat burning from throwing up, my headache and most of all my self-loathing were all coming back with a vengeance.
“Wanna tell me what’s up.” He asked as he took hold of my hand and gently led me to my bed, which I gratefully flopped on to, my hand burying itself into Cosy fur as she lay curled up on my pillow sleeping soundly.
“Not really.” I was losing my nerve and I didn’t want to start yelling at him like I had done at Steven.
“Come on, Em. Tell me. You’ve been all over the place all week and I want to know what’s wrong.”
I shook my head, trying to fight back frustrated, self-loathing tears and not winning.
I was trying to avoid looking him in the eyes as he loomed over me and again, wasn’t winning. It was hard to not look at him because all I ever want to do in his presence is look at him. Plus he was leaning over me pretty close so I didn’t have all that much room to move my head without knocking it against his.
“Em,” he said in that cool, Doctor Doom voice that he adopted when he was trying to take over the world… ok, when he was trying to get revenge for my death by bringing down Stark Corp. But you know, same thing basically.
“What’s going on?” his deep blue eyes were staring deeply into mine as if he thought that if he looked deep enough, the answer would be simply given to him. Which it sort of did.
Just it wasn’t my eyes that gave it away, but rather my mouth that betrayed me. But how could I not? I have a hard enough time refusing him stuff when his face isn’t just a couple centimetre from my face, with his lips looking all kissable and everything.
I caved, though still rather unwillingly.
“I’m pregnant.” I muttered, somehow forcing my head to turn on its side, so I could avoid looking into his eyes.
“You’re what?” I fought the desire to roll my eyes and to even possibly hit him. Instead I snapped, “I’m pregnant!”
“What?” He caught hold of my chin and forced me to look him in the eyes, which were wide with disbelief and looking a little dazed.
“How did that happen?” He asked more to himself than to me, sounding a little dumbfounded while I just stared up at him with a ‘are you kidding me’ look. Which he saw and grumbled, “I mean, l know how it happened, I just…” he was trying to get his head around this new change in our lives.
I mean, as if we haven’t had to deal with enough changes in our lives already. And we aren’t even married or anything and we’ve never really talked about having kids.
I mean, I guess they were sort of given… for the future. The far, far off future. The future that is so not now! Now is far too soon. We’re only twenty-two and sensible twenty-two year olds don’t have kids at this age. They wait, they get sensible, well paying jobs so that they are financially sound– ok, so both Christopher and I do have pretty good, well paying jobs. Only Christopher job rates as being sensible. So financially, we are pretty well off and we’re both pretty careful with the money that we’ve earned, so no chance of either of us becoming broke anytime soon, even with the new edition on his or her way – and then they get married. And are possibly married for one or two years before the possibly of even having a kid is even spoken about.
My parents are going to kill me when they find out about this and who knows what The Commander will do to Christopher when he finds out.
“Are sure?” He asked slowly, his voice breaking through my thoughts. I look back at him with a somewhat deadpanned expression.
This wasn’t going as well as I had hoped, though at least he wasn’t reacting the same way that I had upon finding out that my stomach bug was in fact a baby.
“Ah, yeah, pretty sure.” I grumbled, pushing him off of me and swing myself off my bed.
He gave me one of his looks, his eyes roving over my face.
“You’re not happy about this are you?” He actually sounded pretty worried. He swung himself off the bed to come and stand in front of me. I tried avoiding his eyes again.
“Why aren’t you happy? Don’t you want the baby?” he sounded really worried now, and as he gently took hold of my face to turn my head to look up at him, I could see just how anxious he was. Maybe this was going better than I thought; maybe he did want the baby as much as my heart did. He called it a baby after all, not ‘it’ as I had previously been calling it.
I felt my lips twitch upwards for a moment before they fell again. Of course he would be happy about this because this was his baby. His and this bodies, not mine and his. Just his.
I felt tears once more prickle in my eyes.
“Em, what’s wrong? Tell me.” His voice was urgent as he wrapped his arms around me and I felt this sort wave of calm move through me even it didn’t stop my tears or my voice from cracking as I spoke.
“It’s not mine.” I whispered.
“What do you mean? Of course it is.” I shook my head against his chest.
“It isn’t. It’s yours and this body’s, not mine and yours. And it never will be. It will always be yours and this body’s. They‘ll all look like you and this,” I waved a distressed, perfect hand up and down my perfect body, “they won’t have anything of me; me Em Watts. Just this.” His arms tighten around me as I broke down sobbing, feeling like an idiot all the while for crying and whinging like a moron.
Why couldn’t I just be happy about this? Why wasn’t I happy about this? Why couldn’t I just accept that yes the Baby would be made up of Christopher’s and Nikki’s DNA but that this baby would still be my child?! Why?
“You’re right.” I felt my legs suddenly lose their ability to stand when he said that, causing me to collapse against him and for him to place me back down on my bed, while he knelt down by my legs.
“You’re right. The baby isn’t going to look like you, or rather isn’t going to look like how you used to be.” He said as he reached out and brushed some blonde hair from my face. “But that doesn’t mean it won’t be like you. The kid might be blonde and blue eyed but it’ll probably inherit your wonderful, over-rationalising brain. Or your with and sarcasm. Heck the kid might look like a mini-Nikki Howard but wants to walk around in sweats and play video games all day or want to read all the time, which it will be defiantly getting from you.”
“Or you.” I pointed out miserably. “You like reading and gaming too.”
“Yeah, but I don’t read thousand page English books.” He reminded me with a grin. “If the kid starts doing that then we’ll defiantly know where it got that from.” I giggled weakly, but still, tears rolled down my cheeks.
“This has really worried you huh?” he whispered.
“There’s nothing wrong with hoping that your kid inherits stuff from you.” I mumbled miserably
“Yeah, well let’s hope it inherits your brains and personality. Em, I don’t care if the kid looks like me or you or Nikki… ok, maybe a little bit especially if the kids has her personality too, which I doubt,” he added quickly when he saw my panicked look, “because it doesn’t matter.”
“How can you say that?” I hiccuped.
“Because whoever this kid looks like, it’s still going to be ours. Even if the kid doesn’t look anything like the old Em Watts it doesn’t mean that none of you is in it. As I said you’ll probably pass on that over-rationalising, independently thinking brain of yours.”
“How will you ever survive?” I asked with a small grin.
“Still figuring that one out,” he chuckled before turning serious. “But honestly Em, it doesn’t matter. This baby,” he placed his hand on my still flat stomach and I immediately felt a flutter in it from his doing so. “Is still ours. Do you understand? We made it, it ours and no matter what or who it looks like, that doesn’t change the fact that this is still our child Em. This is still your child.” I sort of stared at him for a long moment, letting his words sink in.
He was right, the baby would still be mine and his even if the baby doesn’t inherit my original brown eyes or hair. Or my ears, or my mouth or anything else that was a part of my original body
I sighed softly before moving forward on the bed to hug him, whispering, “I’m sorry and thank you.” He kissed my cheek as he chuckled.
“What for?” he cupped my face gently between his hands, “you have nothing to be sorry or to thank me for? I was kinda expecting this.”
“You were expecting us to have a baby? You thought about us having a baby?” I squeaked out in surprise.
“Eventually.” He said, his face turning a little red, “And actually it was only a brief thought but I had a feeling that you might react and feel like this when a baby did occur.” His hand once more moved to my belly. “And I can understand why you’d react and feel like this and I know it’s going to be hard for you. Seeing your kid but not seeing you or what you perceive as you in their face. That would be pretty freak.”
“And this is Nikki’s body.”
“Was her body.” He corrected me firmly. “Not any more. It’s yours. Your brain is in it, you move it around, make it do what you want it to do. You-we created a whole new life in this body, your body, not Nikki’s. This is our child, no one else’s.”
“I just wish I felt that way.” I sighed, staring down at my perfect hands.
“You will. Listen this is probably just your hormones you do realise that are making you feel this way, nothing more. Once they pass or settle down or whatever, you’re body will balance out again and then you’ll be grinning like the mad thing we know and love.” I hit him lightly over the head for that but he just kept grinning at me. “You’ll see.”
He was right, in a way. I did get used to the idea of the baby and that the baby was ours even though it was growing and eventually coming out of Nikki’s body.
Everyone else accepted the news far better than I had. No one even thought the dark, disturbing thoughts that I had thought about the baby not being mine because it was developing in Nikki’s body. Not even Nikki. She simply congratulated us, in a very Nikki fashion of telling me that’s great, I’m having a baby and that my next photo shot will be next Tuesday at 2 o’clock. No one else seemed to understand how weird this was or how freaked out and scared I was. But I tried to keep these feeling to a minimum and only expressed them to Christopher and occasionally Steven if Christopher wasn’t around and they’d talk some sense back into me.
And after eight minimally stressful months – stress mainly caused by myself, for over thinking the situation with the baby and having to have some sense knocked back into me by either Christopher or Steven… sometimes both. – I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. And I mean, beautiful. I’m not just saying that because I’m her mother, she truly is the most beautiful little creature around.
It was immediately obvious that her looks came from Nikki, though she had Christopher’s hair and for awhile we thought that she had inherited his eyes… for awhile.
She was beautiful and such a sweet baby hardly ever cried and loved to be held by everyone, though apparently, according to everyone else, she was happiest when she was with me. I don’t know if that’s actually true but I like to think that it is, because even though I had months upon months of people telling me that she was mine, I still had small moments of fear and possibly even resentment of my child not having anything of mine.
That is until she was about six months old.
I had been walking down the street with her on my hip, just walking around, having some Mommy/baby time when I was asked for my autograph by this lovely, old woman for her granddaughter.
She cooed over my baby girl as I signed a photograph of me from the magazine that the old woman had been reading when she saw me.
“Here you are.” I said with my best smile as I straighten my daughter on my hip.
“Oh thank you. Thank you so much. My granddaughter is a huge fan of yours.” I smiled a little more widely.
“Your daughter is a beautiful baby.” The old woman commented as she ran a finger over my daughter’s cheek. “Beautiful brown eyes.”
I felt myself freeze.
“Um, I beg your pardon, but she has blue eyes.”
“When she was a newborn, maybe. But her eyes a definitely brown.” The old woman said with a smile while I simply gapped at her before looking into my daughters face, at her eyes.
They were brown.
And not any old brown, but my brown. The brown my eyes were when I was in my old body.
I felt myself smile as a tear rolled down my cheek.
Brown eyes. My daughter has brown eyes. She has something from me.
I was so happy and excited that I ran straight back to the loft, leaving the poor old lady completely confused after to me.
“Christopher.” I yelled as I entered the loft, since it was Saturday and he was home. He stuck his head out of the living room where he had obviously been lounging and watching some medical show, he eyes curious when he saw how cheerful I was.
“Hey. What’s up? You seem happy.” Then he started to pout, “she didn’t say Mama or something did she?” Christopher and I have this half-hearted competition going on between us as to who our daughter will call out to first, mama or dada.
“No.” I say grinning like a maniac now. Christopher raised his eyebrows at me questioning. “Look at her eyes.” I was almost delirious with happiness, which is probably why Christopher is looking at me like he’s wondering if he needs to institutionalise me or something.
“Her eyes. Look at them.” I hold her out for him to take from me, his expression now puzzled before turning to amazement when he saw what had been so worked up.
I nodded, smiling still madly
He beamed widely back at me.
“How?” he started to ask but I shook my head.
“I don’t care.” I said laughing as I took a beautiful little girl from him, kissing her chubby cheeks and congratulating her on how clever she was. She gurgled cheerfully back at me.
My baby’s eyes were brown! She had something from me, me! From the me that I used to be!
She was really mine. Not just this body’s, but really and truly mine!
My daughter. Really and truly mine.
Author's Note: Hope you all enjoyed. I'm sorry if anyone was out of character, as I said before I haven't read the Airhead series very often. Anyway, this idea about Em feeling this way during her pregnancy came to me when I was reading the series for the second time. I know that if I was in Em's situation, I would feel this way if I became pregnant. I wouldn't feel that my baby was actually mine and I just felt that Em would probably have these same fears and doubts.
I hope you all enjoyed and you know comments are loved.