Don’t Soil Your Underpants
A Heather Wells fanfiction by Anna
“More baby news from Tanya Trace!”
I groaned and threw the issue of People magazine into the trash bin at my feet. These kinds of magazines had been polluted by the new fact that Tanya Trace, actress and possibly one of the people that I sincerely hated the most, and her new husband/my ex-fiancé Jordan Cartwright were expecting a baby. A baby girl to be exact, to be named Leila. I scoffed and sat at my desk, crossing my arms and feeling nothing but absolute, sheer boredom.
So many kids had moved out of “Death Dorm” that the place was almost completely barren, making the entrance hall a boredom trap. I yawned and tried to avoid falling asleep. It had been an early morning and I was working until eleven tonight. My new boss, Benny, was super strict about pretty much everything, including sleeping on the job. Not to mention the fact that he hated kids, making Fischer Hall, a dorm FOR KIDS, the absolute worst place for a guy like him to work. Rumors came around the other day that suggested that half of Fischer Hall had deserted the place simply because Mr. Benny Krupp started working here.
He had explained to me that he had, shockingly, formerly been working as an elementary school principal at Jerome Horwitz Elementary School, but these two kids had driven him pretty much completely insane, forcing him to look for work somewhere else. And Fischer Hall seemed to be the place where Dorm directors, or, excuse me, Residence Hall directors were needed. I sighed and picked the issue of People back up, flipping past the news about Tanya.
I looked up after about five minutes to see a an extremely small man wearing round glasses and sporting grey hair in an almost afro-like hairdo standing in front of me.
“Oh! Um, hi, how can I help you?” I asked.
“I’m here for an, uh, assembly with the students,” he nodded. I noticed he had a handful of papers in his right hand.
I leaned over the desk and checked the computer. “What’s your name?”
“Professor Poopypants,” he said seriously. I looked at him like he was crazy, then realized it was a joke. I cracked up.
“Haha,” I said, wiping a tear from my eye. “Ok, thanks for making my day, what’s your real name?”
“May I ask you YOUR name, miss?” he asked me.
“Uh, sure, I’m Heather,” I said, thinking that this was quite odd.
“Heather…” he said, implying that he needed my last name.
“Wells,” I said. “Why?” He looked down, studying his papers for a second.
“You shall now be known as Cheeseball Chucklefanny!” he shouted while pointing at me in a very dramatic way.
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“Hey, Heather!” I heard from in back of him. I looked to see Cooper, walking in with Lucy, my large yellow lab.
“Cooper!” I called. “What are you doing here?” I turned to the man in front of me. “I’m sorry, sir, but if you’re not here for something, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Suddenly, Lucy, who was pulling against Cooper’s leash with all of her might, broke free and tackled down the now downtrodden Professor.
“Stop it, Lucy!” I yelled. “Stop it!” I snapped my fingers to make her come to me. She obeyed.
“Faster than a speeding waistband…” I heard in a very loud announcer-like voice from what seemed like thin air.
“What the hell is going on?” I yelled.
“Able to jump tall buildings without getting a wedgie…” said the voice in a very excitable tone. “Duh duh duh DUH! It’s-”
“Whoa,” said Cooper, looking behind me.
“What…?” I spun around to see none other than…
And there was Benny, standing there, wearing nothing but a pair of tidey whiteys and a towel wrapped around his neck like a cape. It seemed he had been wearing a toupee before now because he was completely bald.
“Professor Poopypants!” he yelled. “Back for more vengeance?”
“Indeed I am, Underpants!” Professor Poopypants (which I suppose was actually his real name) gritted his teeth. “And people WILL have their names changed! I cannot stand to be made fun of anymore!”
“Oh… whoops,” I said guiltily. “My bad!”
Cooper looked at me with his eyebrows raised. “Heather? Do you have any idea what is going on?”
“Nope,” I laughed. “All I know is he,” I pointed to the Professor. “Introduced himself as Professor Poopypants, I didn’t believe him, and he renamed me…”
“Cheeseball Chucklefanny!” yelled Professor Poopypants from across the room. He was now pinned down against the ground by Captain Underpants.
Cooper chuckled and picked up the papers which the Professor had dropped and were laying at his feet. “Let’s see… C…”
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“It says to rename yourself based on your first letter of your first name and the first and last letters of your last name,” he said, then looked at me. “You may call me Buttercup Gigglesniffer.”
I snorted and looked at him. “Do you want to leave? I doubt I’ll get in any trouble with Benny slash Captain Underpants over there. And I also doubt there’s going to be much more action then what’s already happened. Besides, I think I may need an aspirin.”
“All right, Cheeseball, let’s go,” he smiled and took my hand.
“Very well, Buttercup,” I grinned and we walked out of the dorm with Lucy, leaving Professor Poopypants and Captain Underwear to their epic battle in the entrance hall.
Hope you liked it!